When I found out I was pregnant, I was ecstatic. After the twenty-week ultrasound, a doctor came in and said our baby had a kidney disease and wouldn’t be able to breathe. When the diagnosis was confirmed, my husband and I looked at each other and knew immediately abortion was the only thing to do. Why give birth to a baby who will die? In Wisconsin, you need to sign a form that says you’re aware that the fetus has a heartbeat, fingers, and toes. After I signed, my husband took the pen. They said, “No, only the patient needs to sign,” but he said, “I want to.” The public university where we teach offers insurance affiliated with a Catholic hospital. We had to submit our case before an ethics committee of priests who would decide if insurance would pay. Otherwise, the procedure would cost us $25,000. The priests decided I had to deliver the baby. I was so upset I couldn’t talk. Later it turned out the state would cover it. They induced labor and offered me a Valium. It doesn’t make sense, but I didn’t want drugs. For weeks, I’d been holding my breath when trucks drove by, for my baby. The next night, my son was born into one of those hats that catch urine. It’s not how your baby is supposed to be born. My husband sang him “Thunder Road” and told him that Achilles was the greatest hero ever to live, which is ridiculous. We held him until he got cold. We named him Isaac. We didn’t tell anyone what happened, even my parents. We just said we lost the baby.
Liz, 40, at the very end of this
The flip side to the capacity to have a child, for me, is the capacity to be lonely in a way I couldn’t have imagined until I had a miscarriage in college. Now I’m back in this business, on purpose and with a lot of thought. Even with the people and life I have (through luck, work and again lots of thought), that its possible to hit that empty point again pits me. Knowing that there were legal barriers or people I loved who might stop loving me if something happened, and still being able to function day to day, seems impossible. I have no idea how anyone has a child in a place where abortion is not accessible and openly discussed.
#TBT Chloë Sevigny at our #VHALLOWEEN party as Joan of Arc in 2007
Already plotting next year
"Will you do me a favor?"
Famous Funnies, Issue #75, October 1940.
Hotel living this week; too sleepy for murder
Excerpt from Issue #5: Bebe Ballroom on Rosemary’s Baby (1968):
"Rosemary’s exposure to the dark plot unraveling around her comes not from the black alleyways of the occult but from simple parlor manners. The darkness is let into her life by a desire to be accommodating and sweet, to be perceived as polite. She would never risk making or taking offense, and it is only behind closed doors that she mocks her neighbors, and quiets her husband when he is laughing too loudly at their expense. The terror of the plot is rooted in modern times, in a cosmopolitan apartment building. The villains blend-in seamlessly with little effort and little suspicion from others, rendered practically harmless by their elderly stature and setting.
The new horror of the age lay not in the obvious gruesome monster or the known dangers of the past, but rather in the smallness of everyday modern life, hidden just barely out of sight in suburban homes and apartment houses, in linen closets covered with heavy furniture. It’s not about wondering what’s happening deep in the woods in the middle of the night, but instead obsessing about what’s happening in the building across the street, how deep the blackness of a soul can be, and what it is capable of doing for fame or money or some bizarre fulfillment of itself that we struggle to understand. It’s a type of fear that acts as a precursor to some of the strangest truths of today, all those endless newscasts filled with bewildered neighbors, chanting in unison: “This is a nice, quiet street” or “Never in a million years would I have suspected them…”
To read the rest of this essay, sign up for a 7 day free trial of Bright Wall/Dark Room magazine today.
What horrifies me most is the idea of being useless: well-educated, brilliantly promising, and fading out into an indifferent middle age.
— Sylvia Plath (via s-ciamachy)
bobby made me an album cover for my new twitter avatar
Shani O. Hilton • The RT
1. I’ve Had It With Today
2. Blocked (club banger)
3. No New Followers (first single)
4. Close The Tab (sexy slow jam)
5. ICYMI pt. 1 (filler)
6. ICYMI pt. 2 (filler)
8. Verified (ft. Kanye West)
9. Retweets Equal Endorsements
10. 404-04 (ft. Chris Martin)
11. Dear Syrian Electronic Army
Hidden Track: MT
Getting ready for the best 7:30pm sweaty dance party of my life.
Bodies at Rest
Somewhere in Europe
He left behind an entire lifetime of accumulation. Photography books and photographs and sweaters and golf clubs and day planners. Computers and cameras, pots and pans. But there are entire years of gap that I cannot fill in. At his funeral, a woman I did not know approached my sisters and me, told us she’d gone out on some dates with my father and that they had enjoyed each other’s company. She was a stranger, but I could not help but ask myself, “What does she know?” She, surely like dozens of others, owns some piece of my father that I’ll never be able to access and that will become lost to time, our separate memories that will never connect or collect.
For All the Saints by Laura Adamczyk
The Rumpus is being fucking spooky with me today. Knock it off, The Rumpus.